Marriage, the word that haunts many people. Now stick the word 'arranged' in front of that and watch as most Asians run for the hills
BY ILESH TOPIWALA | MAY 27, 2009
Not much of a problem for those in a steady relationship (unless they are planning on ending it before it gets to the marriage stage), but for single people it can be a complete nightmare.
We all know marriage is a major part of Asian culture and being placed under pressure from your parents to get married can often put a strain on your social, working and home life. Once you hit your early twenties you are officially on a time limit to get married before you reach your expiry date, which for many is the age thirty. It?s almost like the Final Countdown theme is constantly ringing in the back of your head. First there is the pressure of trying to meet people, then comes the pressure of getting along with the said person, then finally the big decision?to pop or not to pop the question? But how did this situation arise in the first place? How, in your twenty something years, did you not manage to come across the right person? Allow me to take a little stab at the answer. You were born, you were raised, and you went to school and then told to study, study, and study. Then you went to college and studied some more before going on to university to do yet more studying. Once you graduated you had to get a job at the best firm in your area of expertise and become financially sound. In amongst all of this if you were caught in a relationship with someone, you had to end it as your studies were more important than your love life, or your partner was from a different caste or religion. Now, unless you carried on the relationship in secret (you go girl!) this is likely to be the story of your life and the reason you are single. So where do you go from here? What are your options for attempting to find that person?
Have you met my daughter?
Fortunately there are a few ways to meet that special someone without having to resort to singing while it?s raining Bollywood style. Let?s start with the good old fashion traditional way of meeting someone through a contact of your parents. This is by far one of the most, nerve-racking experiences anyone can ever go through, whether you are meeting him at your or their home. The best thing to do here is just smile, speak when spoken to and generally be very polite to everyone. Once the initial meeting the family part is over and it?s just the two of you talking, things get easier. However, if you are not interested in the other person, saying no to them afterwards can be difficult. That?s the part I usually leave to the parents to deal with after via a phone call. There is also the ?meeting people at a wedding? process, when you and the other person are groomed to perfection. Again this isn?t the most fun experience as the entire family (uncles, aunties and cousins) are watching the two of you like a hawk to see if you hit it off. The best thing to do is try and get away from all the peeping Tom?s to a quieter area to talk properly.
Behind door number 1
What about blind dates? The classic scenario of a friend knowing someone that they think you would be great with, then hooking the two of you up. This is a double edged sword as it can turn out either very good or very bad depending on how well your friend knows you and, more importantly, how much they really like you. Placing your faith in someone else?s hands is very risky so only agree to do it if someone you trust, like a best friend, is doing the introductions to start with. If it?s a work colleague introducing you to someone, don?t agree to it. I say this purely because if you don?t get on with the person they introduced you to you may have to deal with the consequences at work; ?so you think my friends aren?t good enough for you, now I?m making your work life hell!? Try to get as much information about the person, including a picture before hand so you have a better idea of what to expect. Other than that it?s down to good fortune, so good luck if you?re going on a blind date.
Ready... Steady... Go!
Another way of meeting people is through speed dating. This is vastly becoming popular as more and more people are giving it a try. Speed dating is a good way to meet and greet a lot of people, and that is it. Most of the time all you get is three minutes per person, which means it can sometimes feel like a series of interviews. Now being brutally honest, the only people you are going to want to meet again are those you thought were good looking. The people you felt an attraction towards.
Anyone else that says different is lying through their teeth purely because you only get three minutes and in that time you can only find out a few details (name, age, occupation and how nervous you both are as you?ve never done this before). So if the hint of physical attraction isn?t there from the start then chances are you won?t be meeting that person again. It doesn?t sound fair but unfortunately that is the case nine times out of ten. There are probably readers that don?t agree with that, and to them I ask this question?have you ever dated someone because you weren?t attracted to them? The answer is most likely to be no, because you?re not going to spend time getting to know someone with the hopes of romance if you?re not attracted to them. So the bottom line is just be yourself when at a speed dating event, even if you?re slightly crazy as some people may even find that attractive.
Love at first click???
Now we come to the very interesting subject of meeting someone through the Internet, mainly matrimonial sites, Myspace, Facebook and various other personal profile sites. There used to be a time when admitting to finding your partner on the Internet was frowned upon, but times are changing and this is no longer the case. In fact thanks to some of these profile sites it?s a lot easier to meet someone on the Internet than ever before. You only need to look at the number of people that got married after meeting someone on shaadi.com as proof of this. However, just like speed dating, it has its downsides.
Hands up if you?re guilty of doing this; you?re flicking through countless profiles and analysing every detail of the person from interests, film and music taste, right through to height and build. However if there?s the slightest hint of something you don?t like about the person you discard the profile and move on. The thing with Internet sites is that they tend to take away that personal touch of meeting someone face to face, leaving you with no idea of their personality. You might have skipped right past your perfect match without realising just because their interests didn?t match yours. When dealing with these sites it is important to stay very honest (not telling the odd white lie to sound more interesting) and open minded. You never know, the perfect person might be the total opposite to you. Oh and try not to sound like a stalker when leaving people private messages, ?wow you?re well sexy can we meet up?. This definitely won?t win you any fans.
But what should you do once you have got past the meet and greet and are about to go on that first date? What are the key tips to making it work? Well here?s the secret?there are no key tips beyond being you. It?s that simple. Just remember that the other person is in the same boat as you. They?re just as interested in you or else neither of you would be there. Also just a thought, don?t start talking about marriage straight away as your date will run for the hills.
Singleton in Singledom
But that?s not to say you shouldn?t enjoy your single life. In fact you should cherish it while you still can because once you?ve found that someone, there?s no turning back for the rest of your life. From that moment on you will always focus your attention towards your partner and the relationship. Being single allows you to do what you like to do and when you want without having to answer to anyone. It?s also a time when you discover who you are in regards to your motivations, how you deal with things and what you want from life. You can develop your identity by doing the things you want and collecting a huge range of experiences in life before the ?chain of relationship? attaches itself to you. Remember, before you find yourself in a situation where you?re responsible for someone else you have to first become responsible for yourself. So get out there and live your single life to the max. Then when you?re ready for it, work hard to fill up your social diary to get yourself out there and noticed because that?s really one of the best ways to meet someone. Even if you?re not actively looking for someone and are just out having fun with friends, you?re still out there getting yourself noticed by others.
So next time you?re sitting there thinking to yourself ?how am I going to meet Mr Right?? just remember all of these options and stay open minded. Be it an introduction through family or friends, speed dating or on the Internet, they?re out there somewhere. We won?t give you the old clich? speech of ?there?s someone out there for everyone and you?ll find him when you least expect it? or ?he might be right under your nose, you just don?t know it yet?. However I will say that wherever you are, if a guy approaches you don?t give him the cold shoulder (unless he deserves it) because, well you never know.
DO?s
? Be respectful and polite and try to look interested, even if you?re not.
? Dress smart as first impressions count.
? Be honest.
? When speed dating, try to ask something different instead of the same run of questions.
? Pray for good luck before going on a blind date.
? Browse through as many profiles as possible with an open mind when searching on the Net.
DON?Ts
? Laugh the moment you see the person as this can emotionally scar someone for life.
? Pretend to be the best thing since sliced bread on your profiles.
? Be on the phone constantly either talking or texting.
? Take your wedding planner on your first date.
? Be a complete pushover and agree with everything.
? Talk about your ex-partners.
