If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, it may explain at least one of our shared beliefs: Men and women can't be ?real? friends
BY SURINDER SINGH | MAR 23, 2009
Blame the sexual tension that almost inevitably exists between any red-blooded, heterosexual man and woman. Point to the jealousy that plagues many rational people when a significant other befriends someone of the opposite sex. Boil it down to the inherent differences between the sexes. It just can't be done. Right? I don?t agree, I think on the surface, guys and girls alike are all quick to say NO ? the opposite sexes can?t be friends, but throw in a process and an equation and it can have a completely different ending?
Society has long singled out romance as the ideal male-female relationship because it spawns babies and keeps the life cycle going; cross-sex friendship, as researchers call it, has been either ignored or trivialized. I mean, the difficulty is this - we have rules for how to act in romantic relationships (flirt, date, get married, have kids) and even same-sex friendships (guys relate by doing activities together, girls by talking and sharing). But there are so few platonic male-female friendships on display that we're at a loss to even begin to define these relationships ? Is that where the problem lies?
Having read research into this area, one thing truly became clear to me ? There is yet to be a final verdict when it comes to this question, hence my reason for bringing the topic to you ladies. Let?s take ?Friends? the sitcom as an example, and don?t pretend you don?t know what I?m talking about here. The real irony of the show appears to be that men and women can't be platonic friends. At some point or another, they?ve each managed to somehow date each other (with the opposite sex of course), apart from Phoebe, and I think that?s a matter of circumstance and not choice. Sorry Phoebe! But back to my point, for something like ?Friends? to which we can all relate to, it?s clear that in the same breath we can all agree that we can?t just be friends, and it?s not a matter of, that?s because it?s our fault, the guys cant help but think of things outside the ?friendship? bubble.
Platonic relationships have long been the subject of countless books, movies and sitcoms, and for good reason. There?s enough potential heartbreak associated with platonic relationships to keep writers busy for years. But the question is can platonic relationships really work?
Though a little different from Plato?s original concept of love, in modern times the terms ?platonic love? and ?platonic relationship? have come to mean a relationship between individuals of the opposite sex marked by the absence of romance or sex. So to put it simply, a platonic relationship is a close friendship between a man and women.
The reason platonic friendships can be difficult is genetics. For a good portion of us, attraction to the opposite sex is genetically ?hardwired? into our psyche. There?s no way to avoid it. We find the physical form of the opposite sex attractive ? bottom. We can?t but help ourselves when it comes to attraction, and that?s men and women alike. Add to that the fact that nothing makes a romantic relationship more successful then when the people involved are ?friends first?, and it?s easy to see why platonic relationships can be difficult to keep strictly platonic.
Platonic relationships abound, and I'm sure that if you think about your own circle of acquaintances, you will discover platonic relationships that are working quite well. But many platonic relationships do not work well. When romantic feelings spring up in both parties, then the friendship turns into a romantic relationship and everyone is happy. But a good portion of the time only one of the friends becomes attracted to the other, and then the platonic relationship is in trouble. However, anyone who has ever been in love with someone who does not share that feeling knows the pain and frustration that comes with that situation. If the friend whose feelings have shifted towards romance can suppress or ignore those feelings, the platonic friendship can continue on as before. But often times that?s not possible and as sad and painful as it, sometimes friendships end.
So, can platonic relationships work? Yes they can I guess. Romantic feelings between the sexes don't always exist, leaving room for a very fulfilling and lasting friendship. I guess part of this confusion stems from the media. The Hollywood classic ?When Harry Met Sally?, starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, convinced a nation of moviegoers that sex always comes between men and women, making true friendship impossible. Television hasn't helped either. Almost every time you see a male-female friendship, it winds up turning into romance, so it?s no wonder if some of us think that the path to a man and woman?s friendship will soon enough arrive at destination romance.
As part of my research, I ended up on handbag.com ? no guesses most of you ladies must be completely familiar with the site. And guess what, after a poll that secured the vote of thousands of 25-44 year old women, it revealed what I was thinking ? Women ARE in denial and seem to want it their way when it comes to friendships and sex with us men.
While you women (83%) believe you can be 'just good friends', nearly half (45%) admitted that your close male friends are ex-lovers. What's more, two-thirds (59%) admitted you get jealous of your male friends' friendships with other women and have actively discouraged us from getting closer to a rival woman. In a classic case of the green-eyed monster, one in ten of you have even deliberately sabotaged your male friend's relationship with another woman. So, what does this tell us about the notion of the opposite sexes not being able to be only friends? It tells me that women and men alike make a conscious pro active effort in perhaps creating situations which establish a pathway that leads two members of the opposite sex away from the idea of being ?just friends?. Confusing stuff hey, but we?re both to blame!
The equation I was talking about earlier was this: guy and girl meet, establish a friendship and have no other intentions of anything more, BUT somewhere along the path the girl or the guy develops some kind of emotional or physical attraction towards the other. Either they act on it, and see where things go, or they do the opposite and just deal with it confrontationally or internally, find a resolution to the situation, and then, if all is still good between the two sexes? valour! I think we have what can be called a male and female equation that has the label of friendship and friendship only.
So, conclusively, are we simply romantically challenged, or are we just promiscuous. As individuals we?re all pretty damn greedy when it comes to our own relationships, and isn?t it true to say that the biggest problem lies in us constantly trying to define our relationships with another relationship. Hmmm? I could go on forever. However, I?ve decided in my head that men and women can be friends, but only can once they can?t, and having dealt with ?can?t being friends? they finally can, which is when we finally settle for friendship and friendship alone.
