To Compromise, to Control, to Care. These entire 'C' words eventually reach one destination...to COMMITMENT!
2009-05-27
Why is it that the 10-lettered word manages to induce the release of liquids from both men and women? Not the kind of liquids you?re thinking?But, most men tend to break into a sweat and most women into tears?
Men love their freedom. For many of us guys, the very thought of making a commitment to one woman for the rest of our lives is enough to send us sprinting for the hills. The dreaded "C-word" implies compromise, loss of independence, the sacrifice of sexual variety and the looming spectre of financial devastation. And the statistics bear this out - the U.K. Census reports that, over the past four decades, the rate of marriage has definitely been on the decrease. According to the National Marriage Project, a study undertaken at Cambridge University, men today are overwhelmingly apprehensive about getting married. Cohabitation - commitment with an escape hatch - is on the rise. So what is the explanation for this phenomenon? Just why are we men so afraid of commitment these days? A topic I?m certain you ladies would be eager to entertain? So, after a few drinks at our local pub, my mates and me discussed the reasons we ?think? contribute to us being so damn afraid to make a permanent place for the ?C Word? in our lives.
1. She applies pressure?
You know what I?m talking about here girls?right? For a lot of women, commitment is the finishing line for their adult lives. They want to get married and they want to do so now. So they exert increasing pressure on us to settle down - pressure that can cause us to pack up and leave. I know I?ve done exactly that on more then one occasion. Some of us men just find it too hard to commit to a relationship. We keep our partner at arm's length when the issue of moving in together or marriage is brought up. Women can?t understand what all the fuss is about ? surely if you love someone you want to be together all the time? Well, we men are complicated creatures and we certainly don?t think like women.
2. Can't trust a woman
We learned pretty fast that ?some? women can't be trusted - it seems like they're looking to upgrade, to latch onto a man with more money, more status and more stuff to ?sex-ploit?. Commitment to a relationship means putting your heart on the line, and none of us want a sharp stiletto heel spiking us in the back as our ex-girlfriend scrambles over us to get to the next guy. So the moral to this story, there?s a fine line when it comes to trust, and that?s with men AND women alike, however be wary of how quickly you trust your partner.
3. Not quite ready for it
These days, there are fewer societal pressures to marry and we can weigh our options instead of just jumping directly from school into marriage. We can afford to wait for that perfect woman while we concentrate on getting our careers off the ground, save to buy a house or actively play the field. Give your man the extra time frame he needs. Take it from me, it?s a sure thing he?ll appreciate it.
4. Loss of free time
Serious relationships suck up an enormous amount of time and energy - they can entirely take over our lives. The pressure is always on to do something, be it wine and dine you, interact with your family, remember your birthday or pick you up from work. For some of us, it's just too much work, which eventually takes its toll. So don?t expect ?everything? to be taken care of at the click of a finger because honestly, it?s just too much, not to mention, another reason to bring swiftly to an end a relationship with one too many demands.
5. Lack of compromise
Commitment implies the ability to compromise - ideally a marriage should be a 50/50 partnership in which each half contributes and shares equally. But to a woman, "compromise" often means "do it my way or you're cut off from sex."
6. The emotional baggage
And I don?t mean ?designer bags?! Many women look at marriage through Cinderella eyes - for them, putting a ring on their finger means that we will magically solve all their problems, from childhood issues with their fathers to huge shopping debts incurred on credit cards. Women often submerge their true personalities and agendas until the knot is tied - but when the truth comes out and then we find ourselves legally bound to a woman who's not right for us, it's too late.
7. We've been burned before
When we've been divorced and run through the wringer of the court system, many of us are reluctant (read: "terrified") to risk a second commitment. Nowadays, we aren't exactly chomping at the bit to sign a contract legally allowing a woman to clean us out financially. Successful achievers - those of us who have built companies and high-powered careers from the ground up - are especially afraid of being forced to hand over all the fruits of our hard labour and may make the decision never to get involved in a serious relationship again. Past experiences and news headlines surely do put a damper on our appetite to commit.
8. One sex partner, forever
We naturally crave sexual variety, that?s women as well as men. When we commit, either in marriage or cohabitation, we willingly volunteer to cut ourselves off from any other sexual pursuits. Sexual boredom can set in, followed by a total lack of desire. For a lot of us, even guys who weren't getting a lot of action anyway, this still can be the scariest consequence of all.
9. Loss of space
We like guy things; we need "guy space" for stuff like cars, tools and watching kick-ass action flicks. But women want to take over, to "female up" what used to be exclusive male territory with frilly drapes and paintings of flowers. Suddenly we find the bathroom buried in female products, our leather couch has been reupholstered in pastel paisley and the spot where we kept our tools has blossomed into an indoor herb garden. Not good, not good at all!
10. No more freedom
We men are extremely independent by nature. We like to make our own decisions and run our lives by our own rules. We want to do what we want when we want. But when a woman enters the picture, all the choices a guy simply used to take for granted i.e. going out for a beer with his buddies, buying a big screen TV, playing golf on a Saturday afternoon suddenly have to be cleared with her first. And her answer is almost always no. Almost overnight, we find ourselves trapped, doing what she wants to do, regardless of our own wants or desires.
To conclude, how many times have you heard or complained about women being more attached to men? Undoubtedly, there must have been a point where you stopped and asked yourself if you?re one of those women.
The norm often thinks of men as detached from their emotions and enjoying "playing the field." Women, on the other hand, are seen as hopelessly romantic and most content settling down with one man to pursue a serious relationship. That's what we've been told or what we commonly think, but are men and women really so different? Are men really from Mars and women from Venus? Results from the Spring 2007 Heat Magazine?s Life Survey may set some records straight. Though we may have certain stereotypes about men and women and their views on monogamy, commitment, and love, these set ideas may just be socially constructed. In examining a UK survey results, we find that of men and women not in relationships, 66 percent of men and 61 percent of women want to be in a relationship. Statistically, there is virtually no difference between each sex's desires for commitment. But perhaps the thought has occurred that these groups are lonely and hence this is why the need for a relationship. However, in examining men and women who are currently in relationships, the same percentage of men (46 percent) and women (45 percent) presently have a significant other. Some might argue that these relationships are transient and are unable to disprove traditional thought. However, when evaluating these same students in serious relationships, defined as over six months, once again there is no statistical difference between the percent of men (23 percent) and women (26 percent) willing to commit to another. What does this all mean? Perhaps next time you and your friends complain about men and women desiring different things from the opposite sex, think about these statistics. Clearly men and women both value committed relationships whether they are currently experiencing or hoping for one. So for all you ladies out there, there's a good chance that the guy you're crushing on is more willing than you think to take the next step. And for all you men enslaved by the commitment-phobia discourse, just be aware that men among you feel the same way and are not as afraid of relationships as popular culture would like you to think.
