As we go through our daily tasks little do we understand the relationships that are the backbone of our personal life. Discover the fundamental tools and strategies to build any relationships you desire
BY ARFEEN KHAN | MAY 27, 2009
Relationship challenges are getting complicated day by day; people are looking for ways to create lasting relationships in a world where they internally believe that this is almost impossible. Excuses of the fast paced world have tirelessly been blamed for not having the time to invest in creating a dream relationship.
The plausible truth may even be, that relationships today have the same challenges that relationships of the past had, the only difference is that have found more reasons to make the solutions more complicated. Arfeen Khan gives a breakdown of the fundamental needs of the man and woman for that less complicated relationship.
The first essential factor to remember is that we cannot change people. Everyone has a thought process that belongs to them, and which can only be changed by them.
We all have a model of the world by which we determine our lives. This model of the world is created by the experiences we have, the events we see, and the religious and cultural factors. But we ultimately Label our experiences ourselves. Two people can be in the same situation but can experience them in completely different ways. For example, if a husband/wife screams out verbal abuse at their partner one may react and hurl abuse back, yet another may simple become subdued and breakdown with fear. This reaction is caused by how their model of world interprets things.
So the question is, can two people find a way to understand each person?s model of the world? The answer is, of course YES. But you ask HOW? The answer is much simpler than most individuals will believe.
People do change and situations do change, if individuals themselves are genuinely looking for solutions. This is where the challenge is. Most of us consider it a weakness to accept that we are wrong, and society or other variables has not helped. With a constant bombardment of beliefs that men should be strong and women should be independent, this has created a society of people who do not need each other. In opposition to this, some argue that god created man and woman to be dependent upon each other, and a loss of that dependence creates most of the conflicts in relationships.
Each one of us has fuels that have to be met, and most of us are trying to meet those needs alone. The truth is that the needs we have can only be met; if they are met, by the opposite sex (and/or person).
There are SIX FUELS that every human needs fulfilled, in order to have a balanced life. Having trained and worked with 50,000 people around the world, it has been an obvious observation that it is only the lack of needs being met that causes the greatest pains in many relationships. When these fuels are not met it often leads to depression, divorce and in some extreme cases, suicide.
Anybody who can understand in implementing the SIX FUELS formula will not only have a relationship that most dream of, but a life of total bliss.
The best way to understand these SIX FUELS is to look at them as six fuel tanks. When the fuel runs low the consequences are destructive behaviours. In order for one to be happy, all six of the needs fuel tanks should be full. Whenever three or more fuels are not met the results are habitually demoralizing. In order to have these fuels met we resort to constructive or destructive behaviours. To exemplify, the consumption of excessive alcohol/drugs may facilitate a person to meet all six fuels, and frequently as a direct result numerous individuals become an alcoholic or a drug addict. In the case of relationships, anger or violence may possibly assist a person to meet the essential need of these fuels, and as a result that person may well consistently be angry or violent to meet their fuels.
The end result; regularly, is that an individual will resort to all types of behaviours to make sure their fuels are met either consciously or unconsciously. These fuels never go away, until you find a constructive or a destructive way of meeting them. If one understands the following six fuels they will be in a position to create a relationship they choose.
Having explored the techniques of observing people and understanding the events that affect them, the number one reason for failure Afreen Khan points out is, that people have no belief in themselves. Boasting countless seminars and workshops carried out by the life coach across the globe, Khan shares the understanding and insight of the SIX FUELS.
FUEL ONE: Certainty
The first fuel is for certainty, the need for comfort and being comfortable, in other words to have constant pleasure and avoid pain. For some of us this means a secure environment and consistency in our relationships.
Certainty is also attained through physical habits, eating or smoking for instance, can make you feel certain and comfortable. The human need for certainty is a fundamental survival instinct. We have the need to know the variables that consist in our lives, (e.g. relationship or friendship, spouse or partner, work life or home life) with great assurance. For some people ?survival mode? is a rare experience, they can?t remember what it is like, as they conceivably thrive on impulsive urges or desires. Other people go in to ?survival mode? on a regular basis.
For women in relationships this is the most important of the six fuels. For her to trust her partner/ spouse, he must be able to provide her with emotional stability, financial security and the vision that he will be able to provide for the family.
FUEL TWO: Challenges/Excitement
Once you feel certain, the second need is for challenges or excitement that will exercise our emotional and physical range. Our bodies, our minds, our emotional beings all require uncertainty, exercise, suspense, variety and surprise. Even if you?re the happiest person in the world you will have mood shifts. Even with a lifetime amount of your favourite food, at some point you will eat something else.
You may get variety in a straightforward way- by pursuing changes, diversions, pleasures, or by undergoing risky projects or challenging commitments. You may also get variety in paradoxical ways by being uncertain, depressed and fearful. Both examples exercise your emotional and physical range, and both give you uncertainty. Don?t forget a major source of challenge for us is problems.
FUEL THREE: Significance
Every person needs to feel important, needed and wanted. When we are babies, we all needed to feel that we were number one. If you had siblings, you competed with them for love and attention- you found your niche. Whether you were known to be as the smart, scrappy, loving and or the obedient one. This need is still with us: needing to feel special and important in some way has shaped who you are today. You can feel significant by building or achieving things or can feel significant by tearing something or someone down. In all cases, significance comes from comparing yourself to others. In a positive sense significance leads you to raise your standards. However, if you over focus on significance, you will have trouble feeling connected with people.
FUEL FOUR: Love/Connection
Everyone needs connection with human beings and everyone strives or hopes for love. If you are alive today, you were loved. You needed to feel loved and be touched in order to survive. And those needs are still at your core. In this sense love is the ultimate survival instinct and comes before the baby can take care of its own bodily needs. So love is a big part of who you are already, no matter who you are. The obstacles lie only in your belief system in how to get the feeling of love. Your rules about how you recognise and appreciate love, and your ability to learn to give love as well as to receive it. Some people rarely experience love, but they have many ways of feeling connection with others.
FUEL FIVE & SIX: Growth and Contribution
When we stop growing we die. We need to constantly develop emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. There is a universal law about growth, your either growing or you are dieing. Everything in this world contributes beyond itself or is eliminated. Most emotional problems and sources of pain disappear when you focus on serving beyond yourself.
The key to success in relationships is to discover your partner top three fuels and in the correct order. For instance, most men value significance beyond anything else, and would die to save their significance. People wonder why men have affairs in greater numbers than women do after marriage. It?s simple. If a man?s top fuel is significance and he is not getting that in the home, he will look for ways to meet this need. If he has a striving business that gives him recognition he will tend to spend more time at work, alternatively if he gets that same significance from another member of the opposite sex he will drift towards that person. In my interventions I have discovered that most men complained that their wife?s never praised them, that what ever they would do, the wife would not show jubilation or any joy. When they would go to work, members of the opposite sex would compliment them; this intends that the need of significance that he craved for was now being met by another person. By discovering your partners/spouse top three fuels in order, you can create ways to fulfill them by 3 basic steps.
1) Discover your partner?s/spouse?s top three fuels in order of priority - This is the key on how your partner/spouse is wired to experience pain and pleasure. We all have patterns deep in our consciousness and our nervous systems that form our receptiveness to different styles of giving. If you value significance above all else, then you will NOT be receptive to the same gifts and communications as someone who values contribution above all else.
2) Discover your partner?s/spouse?s preferences - What has to happen for him to experience these top fuels? Everyone has rules, standards and thresholds that govern their experience. One person who values connection might be more receptive to kind words, love letters or a massage. Another person who values connection may favour a walk on the beach together. Once you understand your partners basic preferences in a general sense, focus in and learn how he likes to experience them. The more specific you can get about your partners needs, the closer you are to possessing the real key to his happiness- and it is amazing how specific people?s preferences can be! And here?s a bonus, the more specific you get, and more you want to get specific the deeper and more rewarding your relationship will be. You will simply feel closer to your partner.
3) Give and evaluate - What does your partner look like when he is meeting his needs? Get close to these particulars, feel them, and appreciate them. By the way, intention is everything here- don?t let this part stress you out and don?t over focus on failure or success. Effective, skillful giving is something you want to cultivate on a regular basis, until it becomes an unconscious reaction. Just give on a regular basis and observe gently and with pleasure when it works.
Once you have identified the fuels, you need to discover what vehicles to use to help meet them. Whenever I am advising anyone, the six fuels play the fundamental role in finding solutions in many relationships. The key is to talk, to listen and to act. By understanding how each other?s needs are met, every challenge can be overcome.
What happens if, despite the awareness of having the wrong focus and inner dialogue, individuals find it hard to apply the techniques illustrated by life coach Arfeen Khan?
Conclusively Arfeen Khan states: The number one reason why people fail is due to lack of clarity, if one has clarity a person focus and inner dialogue would come in to place. But it is not only these things that will determine a great relationship. One must understand our rule for each emotion we experience and what values are important to us.
You can read more of life coach and motivational speaker Arfeen Khan?s work, by logging online on to www.arfeenkhan.com
